


fated

by orphan_account



Series: gangsey holidays [3]
Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Christmas, Gen, Panic Attacks, more late night phone calls
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-20
Updated: 2015-12-20
Packaged: 2018-05-08 00:28:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,735
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5476253
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's the night before Christmas, and Blue and Gansey are in the middle of one of their late night phone calls when Blue remembers that it's Gansey's last Christmas. the thoughts won't stop and her heart is racing and she has a panic attack, but someone is there to help her through it: her mother.</p>
            </blockquote>





	fated

The night before Christmas was the quietest night at 300 Fox Way. In the house that was always loud and chaotic, the children were tucked away in bed and the drunkest women were fast asleep on beds and couches and chairs. As Blue made her way to the Phone/Sewing/Cat room, only the faintest of laughter could be heard from those who were sober enough to be drinking more, which were few.

Blue was relieved to find that no one was residing on the couch, save for a few kittens napping away. An orange tabby let out a small _mew_ as she scooped it up in her hand. She settled down onto the seat and placed the kitten in her lap. It didn’t crawl away or look at her in question; it just curled up and went back to sleep.

She ran one hand through the kitten’s soft fur as she reached for the phone with her other. The snowflake decals on her nails winked up at her, and she dialed a number.

Gansey picked up on the second ring, but it took him a few seconds to say anything. “Hey,” he said. 

“Surprised by the lack of screaming children and women?” Blue asked, smirking. Even though they were speaking through the phone, she couldn’t keep herself from making such facial expressions.  


“It _does_ seem pretty quiet on your end,” he noted. “And I thought the holidays would be a very hectic time at 300 Fox Way...” Blue could hear his grin.  


“Oh, don’t be fooled. The holidays are busy, loud, insane, the whole nine yards. But the night before Christmas is pretty calm for a few hours,” she explained. The tabby purred as she moved her hands against its ears. “What’s Christmas like in D.C.? Has Santa stopped by yet? I heard he was on the east coast.”  


“I haven’t heart the sleigh bells, so I don’t think he’s visited here just yet,” Gansey said. “Though, I’m sure I’ll be awake when he does arrive. Do you have a message you’d like me to pass on to him?”

“Yeah. Tell him that Ronan may be an ass, but I think he deserves a little bit more than coal,” Blue said. _Tell him to share some of his magic. Tell him to be kind and generous for Adam. Tell him that all Blue wants for Christmas is a kiss that won’t result in death._ She didn’t voice any of these other requests.  


Gansey chuckled, the sound low in her ear. “How is Ronan? Have you seen him today? He didn’t answer his phone earlier.”

“I did see him today. I invited Adam over this afternoon, and Ronan came by some hours later and the two of them left together,” She told him. “Noah visited a couple hours ago to tell me that he had appeared at the Barns to find the two of them cuddling on the couch.”  


“Do you think they finally admitted everything?” He asked.  


Gansey and Blue had known for a while. Ronan and Adam didn’t seem to worry about Blue knowing, but they had assumed Gansey was oblivious, too caught up in Glendower and her to notice the unspoken conversations and shy glances. But Gansey did know. They were his best friends, and at first, he had been upset that they didn’t come to him. Then, Blue made him realize that they wouldn’t admit it to him because they wouldn’t even admit it to themselves.

 _Boys and their pride_ , Blue thought.

“I think so. I hope so,” she said. “They deserve each other’s love.”   _At least_ they _get a Christmas kiss._

Gansey sighed. “They do. I just hope they realize they don’t have to hide it. I hope they realize that it’s okay to love each other.”

Blue stared at the Christmas tree, its twinkling lights just a hazy, glowing blur. Her thoughts were racing and so was her heart. Was he just talking about Ronan and Adam, or was he making a reference to them as well? She thought back on the words she had shared with Ronan and what she had told Adam just before he left. 

_One day, you’ll see it’s okay to admit that you love him. It’s not a bad thing, Ronan. It’s not a bad thing at all._

_It’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling, and it’s okay to say what’s on your mind, Adam._

Those sentences kept turning in her mind, repeating like a song stuck in her head. Had _she_ been speaking of only Ronan and Adam?

Love was okay. Love was good, actually. It hurt sometimes, but it was mostly worth it. Love was warmth and kindness and that feeling of being cared about. Love was exhilarating and terrifying and wonderful all at the same time. 

Love was seen in everything. It was small gestures, like dreaming up blankets and giving jackets. It was words uttered by a mother upon returning home. It was looking at someone with such burning desire that you just couldn’t help taking that moment to admire them. It was seeing something infinitesimal and unimportant and immediately thinking of someone.

Love was late night phone calls.

But the difference was that Blue and Gansey’s love was destined to end in disaster. For Adam and Ronan to love each other was harmless and awe-worthy. For Blue and Gansey to love each other was reckless and came with a price.

And yet, neither of them could stop it, despite the fact it was fated or maybe even because the fact it was fated. _They_ were fated.

Love could end in disaster, but love was inevitable.

“Maybe Ronan will even admit his love for Christmas,” Blue joked, bringing her focus back to the conversation. “Then again, I doubt it. He always has to pretend he’s a badass who doesn’t care about anything, especially the most jolly time of year.”

Gansey laughed once again. “Maybe things will be different next year. I propose that we should begin our own tradition, the five of us. I like the idea of tacky Christmas sweaters.”

“We could even give Chainsaw her very own sweater,” Blue said.   


“And a santa hat! We’ll also bake cookies and watch Christmas movies in our tacky Christmas sweaters. Ronan will love every seconds of it, as will Adam. It’ll be the Glendower Gang’s Christmas Spectacular,” Gansey said.   


Blue grinned, hearing the excitement in his voice. He sounded like a five-year-old in that moment, eagerly awaiting the Christmas magic to come. “Maybe Glendower himself will...be... _oh_ ,” She paused, her heart stopping as she remembered. Gansey was going to die before the next Christmas. There would be no maybes, no tacky Christmas sweaters, no Christmas Spectacular. 

There would be no Christmas.

A tear slid down her cheek and dropped onto the kitten in her lap. It blinked and looked up at her, the water already absorbed into its orange fur.

This was Gansey’s last Christmas, and it was going to be all her fault. Her kiss, her love, her selfishness. It was going to be the end of him, and there would be no more decorating the tree with Gansey and the others or avoiding mistletoe. 

Blue felt like she was going to throw up.

She had been pushing away these thoughts for the past month, but there was no avoiding them now. 

“Blue?” Gansey asked. The excitement in his voice had faded, now replaced by deep concern. “Is everything okay?”  


“Oh, yeah, sorry,” she said, keeping her voice even as the tears fell. She didn’t feel okay. She couldn’t breathe. She couldn’t shake the terrible feeling settling in her stomach. She couldn’t stop herself from crying, but she didn’t cry out. “I just thought I heard the sound of hooves on the roof and the faintest ring of sleigh bells, which means Santa has stopped in for a visit. I have something to ask him. Merry Christmas,” she whispered, her voice growing weaker with every word until the last one was simply a breath.   


“Merry Christmas,” Gansey said. “Jane, y-”  


Her finger had already pressed the end button, so she didn’t hear the rest of his sentence. 

Blue sat on the couch, her heart growing heavier with each staggered breath. Soon, she couldn’t see through her tears. The walls were closing in on her, and she was choking, choking, choking. She held one hand to her neck, the phone still warm in her other. She could her her heart pounding.

She was dying. There was no doubt about it.

How was this possible? Her spirit had not appeared on the corpse road. She had to live... She had to live because she had not fulfilled her destiny. She hadn’t kissed Gansey. Gansey was still alive, but here she was, dying.

Blue’s mind fogged over, and her entire body was seized by panic. The events that followed seemed to happen in a blur: the sobbing, the choking, the phone rolling out of her hand and falling silently to the floor, the door opening, her mom scooping her up into her arms, cradling her and cooing that she was safe. 

The panic attack lasted twenty five minutes, and even after it was over, Blue was plagued by tears. She sat in her mother’s lap and cried into her shoulder, a hand stroking her hair. 

It took an hour for her to finally calm down and fall asleep, still curled against her mom.

Maura carried Blue to her room and tucked her into bed. She placed her fingers on her daughter’s cheek and smiled sadly, wishing she could spare her the pain. She had never wanted this. When Blue was brought into this world, Maura knew heartbreak, but the moment she held her daughter in her arms, it didn’t matter. She told herself she’d do anything to make sure Blue didn’t feel the same way, but just as love was inevitable, so was the pain that came with it. 

Gansey was going to die. It wasn’t going to be easy, and it was going to hurt, possibly more than anything Blue would ever experience. It was a terrible fate, but it was fate nonetheless.

Maura couldn’t stop the pain. She couldn’t stop fate.

But she could be there for her daughter. She could hold her tightly and let her know everything would be okay. 

And sometimes, that’s all it took.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry for this.  
> I really wanted to write Maura comforting Blue about Gansey's death, especially in light of the holidays, but I didn't quite know how to write it, so this is what it came to be.  
> writing a panic attack isn't very easy for me. I've experienced quite a few, and I tried to write in some of what I feel when I go through one, but I also know that it's a unique experience and it's just tough. hope it wasn't too difficult to read.  
> don't worry, though. I have some happy Christmas scenes that I plan to write!  
> only five days until Christmas!! I hope all of you are having a lovely holiday <3


End file.
